The Modern Twelfth Night
by Pejorative
Summary: A modern version of Act 4: Scene 2 of Shakespeare's play The Twelfth Night


The Modern Twelfth Night  
  
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This was written for an English project. There was one of each 5 Acts assigned per group, who had to then pick a scene, or two, depending on the length, and re write them, then act them out, in a modernized setting, etc.  
  
In the original play: Malvolio is a self centered jerk, who is the right hand man to the Queen Olivia, whom he loves. He is always putting down everyone else, however and thinks highly of himself.  
So one day, a few others of Lady Olivia's court play a trick on Malvolio. They write a letter, but sign it in Olivia's handwriting, and leave it for Malvolio to find. This letter outlines a number of false attributes 'Olivia' states she would immediately love Malvolio for, such as wearing a huge smile (completely against his nature) and cross gartered yellow stockings, etc. When Malvolio reads the letter, he willingly believes that Olivia loves him, and the next day does as the letter instructs, but everyone is convinced he is crazy. He is sent to the dark cellar of the castle to stay, where the tricksters go down to torment him further. Feste the fool, or jester, dressing up as a Priest, Sir Topas, and the other two, Sir Toby and Maria, off to the side, laughing and snickering.  
  
In both the play and our version, there is a door with only a small window, and Feste is standing to one side of it, where Malvolio cannot see him from inside the room.  
  
I wrote most of this (my own fault), with input from my group members, Stacy, Tim, and Gail. Yay! I had a good group!  
  
Just to differentiate, Feste with a (T) after it means that he is dressed up as 'Mr. Topas'.  
  
The song used is Baby Got Back by Sir Mix-a-Lot.  
  
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The Twelfth Night  
William Shakespeare  
  
Act IV : Scene 2  
pp. 195 – 201  
  
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The Modernized Twelfth Night  
Theresa Murphy; Stacy Power, Tim Ramsey, Gail Oldford  
  
Setting: School; Hall; outside detention room  
Characters: Maria – GailMalvolio– Stacy  
Toby – TimFeste – Theresa  
  
Scene: Malvolio, a stuck-up teacher's pet, is blamed for cheating on a test -and sent to detention for the first time in his life. Although he believes he was framed, he does not know that Maria and Toby have set him up, and with Feste -dressed as a false substitute teacher, Mr. Topas- they provoke him further.  
  
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Maria: Put on this suit and tie, Feste, and pretend you are "Mr. Topas". Get dressed quickly, and I'll call Toby.  
  
Feste:I'll go along with it. [Maria Exits]  
Even though I am not tall enough to be a believable teacher.  
Oh, here they come! [Toby and Maria Enter]  
  
Toby: Great, you're actually going to do it!  
  
Feste: Yeah, it's gonna be great! He'll actually believe I'm a teacher!  
  
Toby: Well, go do it, then.  
  
Feste (T): What's this I hear? Settle down in there! [approach door]  
  
Toby: Wow, he's actually good!  
  
Malvolio: Who's there?  
  
Feste (T): Mister Topas. I'm on hall duty today.  
  
Malvolio: Mr. Topas, Mr. Topas. Please, go get the principle!  
  
Feste (T): Be quiet, now. You aren't in a position to be telling me what to do.  
And we will not bother the principle.  
  
Toby: Good one!  
  
Malvolio: Mr. Topas! Don't think I'm a bad student –I was framed!  
  
Feste (T): Don't Lie! You're getting off easy with just detention! What do you mean you were framed?  
  
Malvolio: I don't belong in detention!  
  
Feste (T): Have you been in detention before?  
  
Malvolio: I'm innocent, Mr. Topas! I tell you -this is all wrong!  
  
Feste (T): You are crazy. You and I both know you cheated on that test –don't deny it!  
  
Malvolio: You are ignorant! Listen to me: I've been used, I am not a cheater, or troublemaker  
-ask anyone- they will tell you the truth!  
  
Feste (T): Listen, three students approached me and told me you cheated. In my opinion, you're guilty.  
And it can be proved, I swear on my grandmother's grave.   
  
Malvolio: Mr. Topas… Mr. Topas!  
  
Feste (T): Now, sit down and be quiet! And let me get back to my duties, or it's another detention!  
  
Toby: That was great, "Mr. Topas"!  
  
Feste: Yea, I am ready for anything.  
  
Maria: You could have done this without the suit and tie –he can't even see you.  
  
Toby: Go to him again, this time as yourself. And tell me everything later.  
Although, I wish that we could stop this prank, and that he'd be let out of detention.  
This joke has gone far enough, and I'm in enough trouble with the principal, that I can't safely see this prank to the end. See you later.  
  
Feste: Here I go.   
[singing] I like big butts and I cannot lie...  
  
Malvolio: Be quiet!  
  
Feste: [singing] You other brothers can't deny...  
  
Malvolio: You idiot!  
  
Feste: [singing] When a girl walks in with an itty-bitty waist...  
  
Malvolio: Shut up, you idiot!  
  
Feste: [singing] and a round thing in your face, you get...  
[spoken] -Who's there?  
  
Malvolio: Do me a favour –get me some paper, and a pen! I'll repay you.  
  
Feste: Is that you, Malvolio?  
  
Malvolio: Yes, you idiot! Now listen, I-  
  
Feste: What are you doing in detention- of all people! What did you do?  
  
Malvolio: A trick was played on me- an awful trick!  
  
Feste: Just as well you're in detention; you're no better than the rest of us.  
  
Malvolio: They treated me like I was a normal student –putting me in detention.  
That substitute teacher came –thought he was better than me!  
  
Feste: Malvolio, Malvolio. Be careful what you say- the teacher is coming.  
Anyways, try to sleep or something, protesting won't help. You'll be home before-  
  
Malvolio: Mr. Topas?  
  
Feste (T): Don't talk to him!  
  
Feste: Who, me? I didn't do anything.  
  
Feste (T): Don't stand around the door, there- move along!  
  
Feste: I will, sir.  
  
Malvolio: I hate you! This is all wrong; you're supposed to be in here, not me! You're the stupid one…  
  
Feste: Look, just go to sleep and it'll all be over so- Hey, what did you say to me? You know, I could…  
  
Malvolio: Get me a pen and some paper -will you? I'm innocent!  
  
Feste: Well, considering you're in detention, you must have done something…  
  
Malvolio: I swear, I am! Get me a pen and some paper, so I can write a note.  
I'll even pay you to bring it to the principle!  
  
Feste: Okay, I'll help you. But you better not be tricking me…  
  
Malvolio:Believe me, I am innocent! I am telling you the truth.  
  
Feste: I guess I wouldn't know the truth, because I wasn't there, or anything…  
  
Malvolio: Just go!  
  
Feste: I'll get you your pen and paper.  
  
Malvolio: You won't regret this!  
  
Feste: [singing] I like big butts and I cannot lie... [Exuente]  
  
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